And without further ado, The Questions!
Question 1: WHEN THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE THE LAS VEGAS POST? IT’S BEEN A WEEK. HAVE YOU KRUNKED YOURSELF RETARDED? – several people, including my Lovely Assistant
Answer: I love you too. I am marshaling my thoughts on the matter, not the least of which because it includes an in depth discussion of the SL-1 nuclear reactor accident because I can’t resist sharing. The Regents of the University of California demand I do my best to keep the use radiation producing machines under control and I’m afraid they have first claim on my time. Before someone says “you totally put out for the UC Regents”, I please invite you to look at this picture of UC President Yudof first. You hate yourself for even thinking that now, don’t you? Personally, I’m not much of pinstripe man and my Lovely Assistant has dibs for my body anyway.
Question 2: I’m writing on behalf a group of poor college students at *INSERT PRESTIGIOUS INSTITUTION HERE*. We feel that you would be doing a great service to sanity/science/nation/humanity/universe if you’d be will to provide a bottle of BBotE as Study Juice for the horrors that lie ahead of us. We cannot afford the expense of the BBotE & the shipping however. Please help! – A variety of plaintive emails with .edu addresses from around the world
A: No one ever remembers to slip “Black Blood of the Earth” into one of the lines of the budget when doing grant writing to a insure a steady supply for the duration of one’s academic career. Don’t worry, you’ll learn this lesson when you write your second NSF/NEA grant proposal.
As stated back in The Joys of the Barter Economy and Alchemy, I am willing to trade or discount the price of BBotE if you’ve got something suitably awesome. I think I could be convinced to accept an acknowledgment or, I don’t know, 12th author in a publication if BBotE was truly that instrumental to successful research. I know of at least four newly minted lawyers that survived their bar exams thanks to BBotE. They haven’t figured out how to work “BBotE” into their respective practice names yet.
Question 4: Are you ever going to have any BBotE Pimps/Pimpstresses in England, because this stuff is fucking brilliant! – Aaron, London
Answer: Honestly, there have been no volunteers for the noble art of pimpery in Merrie Olde Englande. Oh, plenty of people happy to consume and pay the rapacious shipping but none willing to share with their fellow man. The closest we’ve come is the six pack of 750s that Warren Ellis got; heaven help you and your descendants to the 10th generation if you trifle with his caffeine supply. He will create new words specifically for use on you.
Question 5: Am I the first person in *INSERT GEOGRAPHICAL AREA HERE* to get a Stein of Science/BBotE? – A remarkable number of people worldwide
Beyond the US, the countries with Steins of Science in them are as follows: Australia, Brazil, Canada, China (mainland and Hong Kong), Iraq, New Zealand, the United Kingdom. I am to understand that I may be anointed as the Savior of Beer, or Salvador da Cerveja if you prefer, should I show my bearded ginger face in some tropical/equatorial lands.
As far as the US, there are a couple states that are not representin’ stein-wise. Wyoming, South Dakota, Delaware, Maine, Rhode Island, Hawaii, Connecticut, Vermont, South Carolina, Idaho, Oklahoma, and Tennessee what is up? Seriously, I want to take a moment with Delaware. People are hoisting Steins of Science all around you, Delaware. West Virginia may call an intervention if you don’t start shaping up.
With respect to Black Blood of the Earth, every state in the union has partaken except for two: Maine & Hawaii. What do I have to do to earn your love, ME/HI? I kind of understand HI considering that coffee grows wild around you, but Maine? Come on, if you don’t perk up sufficiently in the morning you might start having unclean thoughts about all those lighthouses.
Right, I think I’ve offended enough people for one evening. Goodnight!
EDIT: Test Subject Larsen is the first to observe the cunning omission of Question 3. Well spotted. Let its secrets gnaw at you for the rest of your days. Who knows what wonders Question 3 contained.