Now that winter has finally struck the northern hemisphere, my thoughts drift to the friends in Australia, New Zealand, South America, Brazil, and Antarctica that are now entering the height of the beer consumption under the Southern Cross.
Steinwielder Mark of Oz, upon receipt and taking his stein for test drive back in July, declared “How many thousand of these have you sold to Queensland? This thing is brilliant.” When I told him that he was holding one of four, he shook his head in dismay and said, “I think that in the depth of winter, Australians have forgotten what summer is like and what it does to beer. We need this.” This echoes the sentiment of a gentleman in Arizona that has built a shrine to his 1900ml stein as it has allowed him to have a consistently frosty margarita by the pool in the inferno of Flagstaff summer.
I am reliably informed Darwin is now running at 30C. Well, Queensland, what’s your plan for your beer?
Oh, and if any of the crew down at McMurdo and Pole are reading this, have a hoot at the Midsummer/New Years party. May the US team not take many injuries as they lose yet again to the Kiwis for the annual rugby game.
As a reminder the domestic US “BBotE by Xmas” order cut-off is today, 12/18. After today it becomes iffy whether things will show up in time.
Test Subject Wakey has performed a fantastic act of bribery in her return of a BBotE bottle for refill. In addition to the bottle, she also included this handmade trivet and a matching Bag of Holding (a Minor Wondrous Item, minimum 2500gp from your local reputable & licensed magical items merchant, per the D&D 3rd Edition DM Guide). She has exercised the Barter Option to excellent effect (similar to Test Subject Brody’s “alchemy“). It was also rather timely as I had just that day fired one of my trivets for becoming unusable.
So, thank you Wakey and a shout out to you at Chibi Stitches. Enjoy your Panama refill and the increased honor on your bottle.
Coffee-Electron Orbital Substitution Is Being Explored At CERN
***At this point, the only way you’re getting things in time for Christmas is by direct hand off. Of course, if you don’t care about that, then these cut-off dates don’t apply to you anyway. New Years is approaching…***
While I made the earlier Gift Buying Thoughts, I got poked to declare some drop dead cut-off dates for prezzies arriving by Christmas. For Black Blood of the Earth:
BBotE (domestic United States): December 18th
BBotE (international): December 15th (TOO LATE FOR XMAS)
Domestically, BBotE ships priority. This date can be fudged a bit if you want to go express but you’ll have to talk to me about that as the shipping will get much more expensive. International BBotE already goes express, so no help for folks abroad.
Steins of Science are a little trickier. I have some of them built and on hand already; they’ll go out the day after ordered. The cut-off date for the ones on my bench, domestic and international, shipping priority mail is December 19th. Going express would only let me push the deadline out to the 20th, so it’s not really worth it.
When I run out of those, it then becomes luck of the draw how quickly more show up. I generally build to order, but I’m trying to maintain at least a couple of each on hand for the holidays. I normally quote a three week lead time on the steins, but it typically runs faster than that and. Having said that, waiting to the last minute is a sure way to not get your stein in time. I’ve made some calls and confirmed that if you want either of the big boys, the 1900ml or 4300ml, which I don’t currently have built on bench, I can get a few in a timely manner. For these steins, your cut-off is before 12pm PST on the 16th.(TOO LATE FOR XMAS)
If you read this far, here’s your reward. There’s a new stein in the Prototypes & Clearance section. The 665ml Hybrid may become a standard stein; this one probably won’t.
As I stated on Thursday, I was issued a challenge as someone asked what fool would actually drink 4.3L of beer in one go to make full use of a 4.3L Stein of Science. To paraphrase Gomez Addams: “They say that a scientist who experiments on himself has a fool for a subject. And with God as my witness, I am that fool!”
STEP 1: Build the 4.3L stein. Done, and took it for a test drive last night at the bowling alley. Behold the birthday boy and his girlfriend cradling the bundle of joy.
Mr. Jordan and Ms. Balan with the 4.3L Bundle of Joy, #167
STEP 2: Procure 4.3L of beer. Done. In honor of the holiday and to maintain local pride, I have chosen to go with Anchor Steam’s 2010 Christmas Ale. The fact that it’s tasty doesn’t hurt. Here is the pre-experiment set up:
4.3L Full Metal Jacket Stein of Science with Experimental Beer
As a matter of fact, yes, those are magnums on either side of the 4.3L FMJ Stein of Sceince, which aren’t quite as tall as the stein. All of that will be going in the stein once the beer chills down.
STEP 3: CONSUME. Beer was successfully loaded at 6:50pm PST. Medically necessary all meat marvel pizza was also procured.
And So It Begins
By 9:45pm, I had the horrible realization that I had only consumed a quarter of this stein worth of beer. Not so silent cursing was made as I resolved, in the future, to do foolish self-experimentation earlier in the day.
Around 10:40m I had stopped worrying and come to love the stein. And beer. And most everything…except gravity. I had a real positive feeling about all this. I was no longer concerned by the fact that midnight was approaching and I still had over 2L of ice cold beer left to go.
Sometime around 1am, the pith helmet came out as ADVENTURE SCIENCE was in progress. Also, there was a viewing of Professor Elemental’s “Fighting Trousers” which probably entered into the calculation too.
Herr Direktor Funranium On "Beer Safari", circa 1am and 3L of beer in
By 2am, with compatriots dropping off due to the cocktails I’d prepared during all this, I stared into the heart of the stein and had to confront the despondent reality that fatigue might claim me before I finished this beer. A quick temp check told me that despite my drinking and no use of lid, there’d only been a .9 degree Celsius temperature gain from when I started 7 hours earlier. My arm however was burning from the effort of drinking all this. I am not in good enough shape to do eight hours worth of 30lb arm curls and I was drunk/stupid enough to do most of that with one arm.
Staring Into The Depths Of Horror At 2am
Around 2:45am, I declared victory and then succumbed to the warm embrace of my bed on a rainy night. I’d gone a bit numb in the face and was not coherent enough to take a picture.
SIDE CHALLENGE: On my sharing the details of the challenge and the pictures of the experimental setup, one rogue declared, “You’re gonna be pissing for a week with that much beer.” Cheeky monkey he is, but in terms of liquid volume consumed this is a totally reasonable declaration. When I shared this statement, Test Subject Not-A-Whale-Biologist declared this to be secondary challenge which he intended to win. He proudly holds the record of urinating eleven times while drunkenly rambling through the ruins of Fort Ord and had to maintain his honor. I am proud to report that he did not disappoint, making twelve trips to the bathroom to my paltry five.
CONCLUSION: I wasn’t kidding when I said that this stein should be held by the handle with the “backstrapping” method, not like a coffee mug. Today my knuckles where the handle rested, my wrist, shoulder and upper back hurt a bit. It felt like I’d been foolish enough to participate in a stein holding contest at Oktoberfest again. That said, over the course of eight hours of drinking, my beer was deliciously cold to the last drop and I drank it slowly enough (courtesy of it staying cold) that I didn’t deeply regret the volume I consumed.
Back in March someone declared that they were going to “buy a sofa’s worth” of 4.3L Steins of Science for the Superbowl. At the time, I was kind of confused as to what that meant. Now, I realize that the 4.3L stein gives you all the beer you need for the pre-, during, and post-game hilarity kept cold for the duration.
While I made the earlier Gift Buying Thoughts, I got poked to declare some drop dead cut-off dates for prezzies arriving by Christmas. For Black Blood of the Earth:
BBotE (domestic United States): December 18th
BBotE (international): December 15th
Domestically, BBotE ships priority. This date can be fudged a bit if you want to go express but you’ll have to talk to me about that as the shipping will get much more expensive. International BBotE already goes express, so no help for folks abroad.
Steins of Science are a little trickier. I have some of them built and on hand already; they’ll go out the day after ordered. The cut-off date for the ones on my bench, domestic and international, shipping priority mail is December 19th. Going express would only let me push the deadline out to the 20th, so it’s not really worth it.
When I run out of those, it then becomes luck of the draw how quickly more show up. I generally build to order, but I’m trying to maintain at least a couple of each on hand for the holidays. I normally quote a three week lead time on the steins, but it typically runs faster than that. Having said that, waiting to the last minute is a sure way to not get your stein in time. If I had to guess, any build to order after December 13th is really pushing it.
If you read this far, here’s your reward. There’s a new stein in the Prototypes & Clearance section. The 665ml Hybrid may become a standard stein; this one probably won’t.
Someone asked, “Seriously, really, is anyone fool enough to try to drink a 4.3L Stein of Science worth beer? There is no way that they will stay conscious long enough to see if it’s cold all they way to the bottom.”
With a gauntlet thrown down like that, I must pick it up and declare “I AM THAT FOOL!”
First, I must build it. I have the dewar on hand it is just a matter of overcoming procrastination. By publicly declaring my intentions, this lessens the slack factor.
Second, I must buy the beer. That will be a pleasure.
Lastly, I must survive. Friends will be on hand with helpful boardgames to point, laugh and dial Poison Control if necessary.
Once upon a time last year, my Lovely Assistant went digging through the internet and came across the song “Cup of Brown Joy” by Professor Elemental. The Lovely Assistant is more of a devotee of tea than coffee due to her next level of sweet tooth and prolonged exposure to Ireland and their “go on, have a nice cuppa”. I think we may have listened to it at least once an hour for several days.
***At this point, the only way you’re getting things in time for Christmas is by direct hand off. Of course, if you don’t care about that, then these cut-off dates don’t apply to you anyway. New Years is approaching…***
I, first, commend you for your dedication to your loved ones by recognizing their need for More Awesome in their lives. Be it a Stein of Science, a Subaru Outback converted into a hovercraft, a 6pk of Black Blood of the Earth, or a gold plated quarter-stick of dynamite, you have chosen to give the very best. However, there’s a few things you should probably think about when placing an order for this holiday season:
BBotE Is Perishable: When refrigerated, it has a shelf-life of about three months. If you’re going to wrap it and put it under the tree, this a present to put out on Christmas Eve and the promptly put back in the fridge after unwrapping.
International Shipments Of BBotE Go Out Express Mail On Mondays: Because I don’t want BBotE to get stuck in postal facilities or customs, I only send it out on Mondays to minimize their time in bureaucratic hell. This means only three more Mondays to try to get BBotE out internationally before Christmas.
Steins of Science Have A Three Week Lead Time: The steins are built to order and it sometimes takes a while to get parts in. Generally, things move much faster than that but you have been warned of the possibility of delays.
BBotE Production Is First Come, First Served: My maximum daily production output is 6L per day. Thus, people who request cases will lock up production for two days. Yes, I am looking into increasing production capacity which will probably double the output.
There’s No Kosher Or Halal Certification: While Robert Anton Wilson did confer the papacy upon me, and all the other people in the Porter College Dining Hall, this does not permit me to sanctify food. Sorry.
The 4300mL Stein of Science Is Ridiculously Large: Seriously, BIG. It will should take an entire pre-game, Super Bowl, and wrap up to go through this much beer. I’m just sayin’…
As a belated birthday present from the lovely people at St. George Spirits, I have received an invitation to the Sierra Nevada 30th Anniversary Celebration. Accordingly, I have constructed a fleet of steins for the occasion that they might drink in scientific style. If you are at the hootenanny in Chico and must have one, look for some random drunk holding a Stein of Science and they can probably aim you toward me. I just might have an extra handy.
Nine Steins To Rule Them All (with Flanking 1000ml Steins)
Behold, Dr. Antonio DiPasquale! Not only is he the possessor of the ChemKeg Dominator, one of the two three 4.3L Steins of Science I’ve built, but he is also the first individual human with a proper bottle (ignoring initial test subjects, your dear Herr Direktor Funranium and Mrs. Fitzpatrick of Austenacious), to achieve MAXIMUM HONOR. St. George Spirits has done it twice so far, but it was something of a team effort by the magical booze pixies that inhabit the hangar.
A toast to Antonio! (The smile lets you know he senses your fear. Back away slowly and leave the coffee and/or booze on the ground. Do not take your eyes off his or he will attack. If he bares fangs, run.)
Dr. Antonio DiPasquale and the Rictus of Delight that 4.5L of BBotE Brings
1. The chemistry of the Middle Ages and 16th c.; now applied distinctively to the pursuit of the transmutation of baser metals into gold, which (with the search for the alkahest or universal solvent, and the panacea or universal remedy) constituted the chief practical object of early chemistry.
A while back, I declared my willingness to support the barter economy by trading the wares of Funranium Labs to those who make things as well but who would not be otherwise able to afford my fine products. Today, I received an urgent missive from an unemployed gal who, in a fit of uncaffeinated foolishness, purchased some not-so-great supermarket flavored coffee. Lamenting this failure of judgment with internet wails & tweets, a member of the Funranium Labs Shadow Courier Network told her of the delights to be found in BBotE. She, in turn, spent a good 45min of her life digging through my blather as one thing you have plenty of when you’re unemployed is time. When she hit the barter economy post, she dropped me a line.
By trade, she had been an executive assistant and offered her services in barter if they would be of use to Funranium Labs. Sadly, I can’t make full use of them but I was struck by the opportunity. There are any number of things I don’t have the time/talent to do to improve the world but one that I have always wanted to do is to help out RAINN. I asked if, in exchange for a bounty of caffeination, she’d be willing to volunteer some time to a local affiliate of RAINN as my proxy.
She said sure and will report for duty at Bay Area Women Against Rape, BBotE in hand to give her strength. If the world is truly awesome, perhaps a job will soon materialize for her out of this.
I’ve transmuted coffee into help for an organization that has helped more friends and family than I really like to think about. That is golden. It’s alchemy.
BIRTHDAY RELATED ANNOUNCEMENT: In honor of the most important holiday in the calendar, my birthday, I grant a 10% off coupon that will be good through 11:59pm PST November 3rd. Coupon Code: “PHILMAS”.
ROCK RELATED ANNOUNCEMENT: Herr Direktor Funranium had the pleasure of seeing Rock Sugar perform at the Harrah’s South Shore Room. Not only did I win the impersonate Axl Rose contest (15 years of annoying friends and family in the car singing along to GNR paid off) , but I had the pleasure doing a demonstration of proper headbanging technique with the lead singer. I am told my waist length red hair was as a corona of flame, though I sadly lack pictorial evidence at this time. If you need more convincing of Rock Sugar’s awesome, just start listening to their tunes on YouTube.
And now…COFFEE:
Following up on last week’s post about Caffe Vita’s Guatemala Mundo Nuvo, it is time to share the results of the other half of the experiment. To reiterate, I felt the best approach for comparison was to ask for a region I’d already tested extensively from a variety of farms, roasters, and roasts (Ethiopia) and for something that they were proud of, something that got them excited. Last week was their new Mundo Nuvo, this week is testing against the Ethiopia Standard, something that I advocate for use in the financial markets over gold.
Now, you might ask why I consider Ethiopia to be a baseline coffee region and the answer is quite simple: they cultivated it first. Whether you believe the tale of the goatherd and his bouncy, excitable goats is up to you but cultivation of coffee as crop definitely began here and spread to the world beyond. The lovely arabica beans we seek are the patrimony of the Horn of Africa.
The challenge is to catch everything that was observed in this coffee’s BBotE. Caffe Vita’s Nigusie Lemma is all over the map in flavors and the disturbing/pleasing part is that it has proven replicable. Served straight and cold, there was an interesting strawberry flavor on the front of the tongue, though general consensus was of a fruitiness retained from the cherry. On the nose it has a clean cucumber aroma. In direct contrast to the Mundo Nuvo which had a sharper nose, the Nigusie Lemma had the bite on the tongue.
That bite was a fascinating salty/sweet nutty flavor with the deep, rich earthy flavor I expect from Ethiopian coffees. It took a good 15min casting about to find something even close in flavor and that is soy sauce. I think I could happily pour this BBotE over rice. Pleasantly savory, which is a fine reflection of the fatty, oily extraction.
One of my favorite Test Subjects was driven into synethesia once again by BBotE and described the flavor as “Bassy, not sharp. It’s all lowrider *BOOM*, and not the tweeters, you know?” I think so, but it might be good to take a ride down International Blvd. while sipping this just to make sure.
When we moved onto the vodka test, I was somewhat less impressed at first. The vodka blended the flavors together which wasn’t necessarily all that great, just a good solid COFFEE flavor. But the length of the flavor on the palate…it was just a never-ending play on a ride cymbal, to extend the previous musical metaphor. Just for fun, I did the same absinthe mix that I did before and I’ll be damned if I didn’t get a strong cinnamon flavor out of the cocktail.
In summation, I am impressed with the wares of Caffe Vita. It was only after I began doing all this that I discovered that I am very well acquainted with the wares of their affiliate, Theo Chocolates. My sister was a grad student at the University of Washington and very, very happily worked on the coffee & chocolate exhibit at the Burke Museum. I am still in possession of some fantastic curry chocolate bars that I horde jealously.
One of the reasons I make these posts here is so that I can have them handy to go reference later when my faculties are failing me. So, when someone asked me again if I could make a N’awlins-style chicory BBotE I said to myself, “Aha! You’ve already answered this one. Email the link, you’re home free and it’s martini time.” Alas, when I went hunting I discovered that the post disappeared into the black hole of server migration. So, here it is again with entirely new words and a couple months extra thinking.
As you may or may not be aware, the chicory referred to in N’awlins coffee is a roasted root of the endive family that has little or nothing to do with coffee beans and has no caffeine. So, why would you ever use it? Answer: it tastes somewhat like coffee with an interesting “rooty” flavor when roasted. That’s nice, but why would use it instead of coffee? Answer: because sometimes you don’t have any coffee.
In times of deprivation, usually war and/or winter in Europe, something had to be done to bulk out the coffee supplies until fresh shipments arrived from abroad. The Napoleonic Wars and the decade following the Year Without A Summer were a grim time to be a coffee drinker; luckily chicory does relatively well with cold and weak sunlight. Or as a merchant you could increase your inventory by “stepping on” your coffee with chicory, to use the heroin and cocaine parlance.
Of course, coffee had always been something of a luxury that the poor of the 17th, 18th & 19th century never really had. Chicory had the advantage of being more readily soluble in water which meant you could get more the roasted “coffee” flavor with less raw material than coffee required. Make fun of the third world if you like, but as home to the former colonial coffee plantations their inhabitants were enjoying a better and purer coffee than what got sent home to their imperial overlords. Assuming of course they didn’t lose a limb or get flogged for trying coffee rather than shipping it (SEE ALSO: pre-revolution Haiti and very similar blood diamond practices). Taken from this point of view, coffee mixed with chicory very likely was the normal flavor of coffee for most of the western world as recently as World War One and saw a resurgence during the Great Depression. Of course, New Orleans had always been making their morning brew this way as they stayed close to their chronically short-of-coffee French roots (yes, I should be summarily shot for that pun).
Anyway, when asked if I’d be willing to try a N’awlins the first time I gave it a bit of a think and decided to learn a bit more about chicory. If anything, making BBotE has been an education in the pharmacopoeia of coffee, highlighting the presence of things other than caffeine in the coffee bean and suggesting that I might be doing a preferential extraction of the chemicals present. The very first thing I ran across was that the a category of pharmaceutical effect I’d never heard of for several of the extracted oils: emmenagogue – promotes or stimulates menstration; in high doses can function as an abortifact.
In light of this discovery, N’awlins BBotE seems like a Terrible Bad No Good Idea for half of the human race, especially if the extraction of those chicory oils is anywhere near as efficient as the pull for caffeine seems to be.
Sometimes the best science is the bit you don’t do.
Following Test Subject Zitron’s ebullient article on the Huffington Post, I received a flurry of emails. Some of them were not offers for male enhancement. One was from the nice folks at Caffe Vita who asked if I was interested in experimenting with their wares and if I would be so kind as to share the results with the world.
As if you could stop me from doing so. Much to Funranium Mom’s despair, and now my Lovely Assistant, it is nigh impossible to shut me up when there is something I am itching to share. And oh my, is there a scratch…
I felt the best approach for comparison was to ask for a region I’d already tested extensively from a variety of farms, roasters, and roasts (Ethiopia) and for something that they were proud of, something that got them excited. This is akin to how I test new bartenders; I will ask for a drink that I love and make extremely well myself (the exquisite Manhattan) and then I will ask them to “show me their moves” as Dance Dance Revolution says. I judge by my standard and then I prepare to be wowed by their standard. Caffe Vita did not disappoint, providing a statistically significant quantity of their Ethiopia Nigusie Lemma and Guatemala Mundo Nuvo (no link available).
A Bounty Of Caffe Vita Coffee
The challenge is to catch everything that was observed in this coffee’s BBotE. The overwhelming consensus is that, regardless of form (hot & dilute, straight & cold, or mixed with vodka), toffee/chocolate is the dominating flavor but far from the only one.
And while the consensus of was chocolatey delight for flavor, the smell that stuck me most dramatically was that of pipe tobacco. As a child, I used to love stealing my great-grandfather tobacco pouch and smelling it. During extraction, I was instantly transported back to the that pouch with the Southern Railway logo. To others, the nose was generally found to be a bitey toffee aroma. And I quote, “A pleasant piquancy you never get off a Christmas toffee”. Yes, someone has spent too much time pretending to be a Victorian toff, so forgive him.
As a hot water dilution, I found a similar martini-like dry sensation to other Guatemalans I’ve tested but only on the front sides of the tongue, which played well with the rich butter pecan flavor. On the exhale, it was strangely floral. As a son of the Great State of Florida this could just be my flower programming, but I swear it was hibiscus.
Straight and cold BBotE, as stated before, varying degrees of chocolate were claimed by the tasters with a creaminess familiar from the coating fats of the Ethiopia & Colombia Finca Yara tests of yore. It tasted decidedly sweet and salty milk chocolate to me with a nice earthy/buttery coating character. One claim was made for shortbread, calling to the creamy buttery flavor, and we could see that. A nutty/fruity note was also claimed, though those claims were all over the map of stone fruits. I was inclined toward apricots, but that pecan was strong. Such is the challenge with the experiential flavor reference library of the mind trying to put words to flavors.
By far the most interesting response was from Test Subject James’ jalapeno sullied palate. And I quote, “Briny, canned tuna…but sweet with chocolate. I like it!” I think there may be a future for hard chocolate shell encapsulated sashimi. Foster’s Freeze and Starkist should get together it seems…
When combined with vodka for the customary test of alcohol opening, the typical increase in sweetness was observed in the BBotE but with a muting of the pleasant piquant bite. Otherwise, no significant change flavor just a lengthening the the duration of aftertaste.
Because I can’t leave well enough alone and thought the flavor complex enough that something interesting might happen, I mixed a modicum of the Mundo Nuvo BBotE into a glass of absinthe over ice. It became “annis Oreos”. Chocolate, creamy, pricking of of the previously stated piquancy, a subtle absinthe bite and coolness. Very enjoyable.
Another batch is running now to check for reproducibility of flavor.
A great hue and cry has been rising up from the northlands, primarily from Vancouver and Toronto, with honorable mention to Calgary and Halifax, asking the following:
“WHY DOES IT COST SO MUCH TO SHIP TO CANADA? WE’RE RIGHT NEXT TO AMERICA!!!”
Some of you used very colorful metaphors, explicatives, imperatives, and biological impossibilities. I understand people getting emotional about BBotE and Steins of Science, I really do, but I’m glad Funranium Mom has not been giving the task of mail reader. She has a delicate constitution and can’t take such maple crazed imagery. Strangely, a similar declaration of vexation has not come from Mexico and the Caribbean. Go figure.
It is the same answer as why it is so expensive for everywhere else in the world: Customs and, in the case of BBotE, perishability.
As far as the United States Postal Service is concerned, London, Ontario is no different than London, England. They only really start getting concerned when I ask them to ship something with tracking and insurance to the dark heart of Africa (quote: “3-5 days? To Kinshasa?!?! You gotta be kidding me.”) Slower shipping works for the steins, but BBotE must go global express to get to you in a timely manner. And no, UPS and FedEx are decidedly not cheaper.
So, what is a Canuck in need to do? Speaking from my experience taking several liters of delicious alcohol and BBotE to Australia and New Zealand, evidence suggests that Immigration & Quarantine officers are somewhat uninterested in bottles of hypercoffee, though they are very concerned by sausages.
Step 1 – Make a friend in an American border town.
Step 2 – Have said friend purchase delights on your behalf.
Step 3 – Come to America and pay said friend for their trouble. I also suggest buying them a beer.
Step 4 – Return home where the beavers and bison frolic freely.
In so doing, you are reversing the Bronfman Montreal liquor trade from the Prohibition Era but with caffeine. Really, it’s only fair.
