A Fireside Chat, With Herr Direktor Funranium

Hello Citizens, let’s chat.  This Herr Direktor Funranium and you’ve had some questions for me.  Rather than answer you one at a time, though I have done a few, let’s take this from the intimate to the public.  To the next level, as it were.  I’m ready to progress to this stage in our relationship.  A variety of questions from the last couple of weeks:

“What is your favorite flavor of BBotE?” – many people, most recently Mark of Troy, NY

Truly, this is like asking a parent which of their hyperactive children, running around the house setting the place on fire, they love the most.  Each has its own place in my heart and cocktails.  In terms of difficulty and thus pride in the result, I’d have to say that I am most proud of the Panama.  Light roasts are rather difficult to work with but so rewarding when you get it right.  Some, like Brasilia, have been disappointments and others, like Malabar, have not proven consistently reproducible in flavor.

“Can I be a pimpstress too?” – several people, most notably Rojir in Baltimore, MD

First off, you’re an hombre, Rojir.  Gender conversions for pimpstress duties are not included in the benefits package.  Ow, I think I just hurt myself with the pun there.

Maybe, perhaps.  Drop me a line and we’ll chat.  The duties aren’t rigorous, they pay is negligible, and it make you feel like the Avon Lady of Caffeine.  The main benefit is complimentary BBotE to keep you alert with your efforts.

“Seriously?  That much for shipping?  Can’t you just parcel post it for much cheaper?” – The Entire World Beyond America It Seems

Yes, I could parcel post BBotE, but I certainly wouldn’t want to drink it when it arrives.  I have to send it ridiculously expensive global express to make sure that the BBotE, a perishable good, arrives in foreign lands in a timely manner.

Steins of Science can go by slower shipping modes, but even that it isn’t all that much of a savings I’ve discovered.  Blame the high shipping costs on the rising cost of fuel, the decline of advertising mailers crashing the western postal systems, and quantum butterflies.  No one ever suspects butterflies.

This, inevitably, leads to the next question…

“Why don’t you ship BBotE in dry ice or chilled shippers?  You could ship more cheaply if you did.” – The Next Paragraph In Emails From The Entire Rest of The World Beyond America

I might saving on postage, which is questionable as chilled shippers are fairly heavy, but I certainly wouldn’t save on packaging and thus neither would you.  I mean, wow, are those expensive.  If you are selling a $400k bluefin tuna, I can see how they make economic sense.  For BBotE, I am content to use the nice insulated shipping boxes and, for The Case of Caffeination, throwing freezer gel blocks to add a little extra cold time.

Using dry ice actually turns your normal fragile, perishable goods shipment into a hazardous materials shipment. And if you are shipping it by air, which I certainly would be doing to foreign lands, you have to have FAA/IATA shipper certification or you have committed a serious federal pound-you-in-the-ass-prison offense for a private indivdual (you’re probably a terrorist in their eyes).  I don’t have this certification…yet.  Eventually I will, because shipping radioactive materials is necessary from time to time in the day job, but not right now.

“I’m getting married.  Can I get any kind of bulk discount on Steins of Science for my groomsmen?” – Nick in Sacramento, CA

Yup.  I live to bring the joy of Scientific Drinking to the world.  Drop me a line for discussion.

“I was reading about your BBotE and was wondering how you actually make this stuff, or is that a secret?”  -Dirk in ***UNKNOWN LOCATION***

Yes, it is a secret. Not going to go into great detail about the two years of process trial and error, as that’s where the Coca Cola-esque original formula trade secret action lies, but suffice it to say I started with the Toddy method and immediately ran face first into a wall of “This makes no sense. I think I can improve this.”