In the long, long ago, in the beforetimes, when Delta’s GoGo In-flight Entertainment System was a thing, I watched many movies on my iPad Mini flying around this world of ours. This, of course, can get a bit boring on long flights even in first class. Delta didn’t rotate their movies often and their catalog was somewhat limited, so it didn’t take many flights until you’d seen all things you wanted to see. Maybe you’d take a chance on something new, which is how I first watched the series Billions. Even then, I ran out of those which is how the grudge watching began, AKA watching something a friend knew I would hate and taking notes on my degeneration through the film. Unlimited free drinks for the duration of the flight helps.
Which is how Ed Zitron taunted me into watching READY PLAYER ONE. At one point while was having a hard time making it more than a couple minutes without having to pause, type furiously, and resume watching, the flight attendant came for to see if I needed a refill of wine.
Flight Attendant: More red for you, sir?
Me: Dear god, yes.
Flight Attendant: Are you a film critic or something?
Me: No, I’m just cursed with friends who like me to suffer.
Flight Attendant: What are you watching?
Me: READY PLAYER ONE.
Flight Attendant: I’ll just leave the bottle with you. That’ll save time.
I have not corrected any of the typos for you. This is drunken stream of rage from seat 2B on a Boeing 737. My suffering is your pleasure.
4sec: “Film Has Been Modified” did those modifications include fixing the writing and story?
54sec: Jesus, straight into Diamond Dave era Van Halen. I don’t have enough booze or cocaine.
1m13s: actually Columbus is looking better than I expected
1min32s: firepole, eh? I assume that’s to code. Surprised the damn Ghostbusters theme didn’t play.
2min30s: Corn Syrup Droughts & Bandwidth Riots…Hooboy. Bell Riots took a turn.
3min: Nice converted van bro. Needs more shag for the shagging
4min23: “climb Mt. Everest…with Batman” I’m gonna assume absolutely everything in the Oasis has a “with Batman” button.
4min50s: I remember this pitch. I swear this was lifted from a circa 2000 Science Friday segment on NPR about Second Life.
7m12s: and now Tears for Fears. I don’t think I can take this.
8m13s: NERD FUNERAL. I will be doing internet searches to see if a photon torpedo casket is available. The flower arrangements and stained glass obviously are.
[ASIDE: I did check when I got home. It used to be a thing but the company had gone out of business several years prior.]
11min21s: The description of the 101 Corp Gunter research team is the saddest fucking fedora wearing neckbeard Simpson’s comic bookstore owner of a job I can imagine. I hope that all of their avatars are that.
11m29s: Nolan Sorrento is Krennic. Boo. :(
Nice 101 tie though.
12m16s: his matchbox turned into the BTTF Delorean. Welp, that glass had a good run. Time to ask the flight attendant for a refill.
13m14s: Nice Bigfoot truck mod. I remember this from Carmageddon but that’s not from the 80s I REMEMBER THE 90S TOO.
14m4s: Dang, you sure this race isn’t just Blues Brothers with 101 LARPing the Illinois State Police and Chicago PD?
18m19s: yes thank you for then mythology lesson. I have ready a book other than Ready Player One, Spielberg. Jeez.
18m30s: Well, I guess it’s nice that Artemis is doing the gatekeeping behavior.
21m5s: “how much of our house money did you spend on UPGRAYDDS” nice to see the micro transactions economy is alive and well with no regulation still.
24m35s: “don’t wanna build anymore rules” You irresponsible fuck. That’s why his aunt’s boyfriend just bankrupted them. You made eGalt’s Gulch you fuck.
27m16s: Gordon Gekkoing nicely there Krennic
29m32s: Wait, Halliday *HAD* ad restrictions? I’m shocked. Also, this visual field Krennic is pitching is familiar from Transmet. “80% of the visual field before causing seizures” That’s a lift from Grossman in Max Hedroom about blipverts
Aw fuck, now I’m doing it. I’M FUCKING HALLIDAY NOW
35m42s: I’m impressed that Bloomberg is still publishing in 2030.
41m2s: 80s costumes. For fucks sake grow your own damn culture and style. LET THEM DIE.
41m40s: H says “You gotta he careful who you meet in the oasis”. I think he’s worried about cyberVD
300lbs guy named Chuck from Detroit would be my avatar.
42m34s: for fucks sake did we delete all the music made after 1990 and make no more. I can accept this time freeze in Fallout because they wanted cheap public domain shit.
49m30s: Again, Artemis has her shit together
54m20s: I gather inflation has been kind such that this is still an impressive salary and prize which IOI is offering.
54m52s: Oh no, breakfast club and Ferris bueller just got mentioned. Ed warned me about this, better get a refill.
55m24s: “I enjoy pop culture” Mutherfucker, this is goddamn Modern History 1972-1990.
58m10s: the drones give a sweet Batteries Not Included vibe
58m5s: Oh no, Aunt Beru and Uncle Juggalo are dead. Ohio will never be the same.
1hr1min1s: Oh fuck you, winestain birthmark shame scene.
1h2m31s: Back to the Future figures-something-out musical motif. Jesus tapdancing christ, are you going to recycle your entire career in this movie, Spielberg.
1hr4m33s: I’m am willing to forgive a lot of sins for a trip back to the Overlook and that entirely not Spielberg soundtrack.
1h6m32s: AHAHAHHAAH ROOM 237. This is the best thing in this film so far
1hr15m38s: oh man, IOI debtors prisons. The future is awesome and that part is all too believable. “Loyalty Centers”
1h17m54s: Shortround? Oh I’m sorry. Sho.
1hr2158s: The incantation for the Spell of Making from Excalibur? Seriously? I hate myself for knowing this.
1h23m30s: Matrix man in the middle attack. Nice.
1h31m13s: “say that to the gunters in the Gold Mine of Gygax” I hate myself for every reference I understand. This is hell.
1h34m8s: dear god no. Not Adventure. My parents’ classical music tapes play in my head just thinking of that damn chicken dragon.
1h36m1s: boom box with twisted sister as we storm Barad Dum. Fuck You. #DRINKING
1h39m13s: is it bad that I appreciate the training and regimented action of IOI?
1h39m22s: I heard the TMNT theme and TURTLES FIGHT WITH HONOR. No corner of my memory is sacred. Spielberg has violated every corner of my mind with his turgid directorial member.
1h40m51s: is the Firefly seriously releasing a gundam. SERIOUSLY
1h44m56s: Krull. The flying truck stop knife starfish. I just turned this off for 10min until I was ready to cope again.
1h50m24s: so the Cataclyst just obliterated this sham of a society’s economy?
2h6m43s: Let us all celebrate the newest billionaires of the shit future Ohio.